22-year-old woman cooks for friend and then takes home the groceries they both paid for: ‘She then proceeds to split every single item in half, regardless if, for my portion; she, for example, used 1 slice of cheese from the 14 bought’

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Olivia Arocena • Writer and Editor
Oct 13, 2026 9:45 AM EDT

Sometimes giving a gift becomes a way of establishing an obligation on another person

I'm not saying this behavior is a conscious choice; in fact, I believe it mostly never is. But regardless of whether it's conscious or not, it still happens, and I think we should all start being wary of it.

It's hard to reject a gift when we're in a vulnerable position, and we shouldn't have to, but if we notice the other person is giving us something while secretly counting on us to repay, then it's not a gift; it's a loan.

We can accept whatever a person wants to give us, if we want it too, but if they then try to guilt trip us into doing something for them because of it, we are allowed to desist.

I have an uncle who's very prone to this behavior, and it's a complex thing because I really do think he is an incredibly generous person; it's just that when he performs a generous act, he always subconsciously expects you to repay him by doing what he thinks is best for you.

For example, when I was in my early twenties, he helped me buy a computer, and I later realized he secretly wished that I would finally stop studying the arts and become more of a 'serious' person, lol.  It's not that he forced me to drop Drama school or anything, but he'd drop a few comments here and there about how this computer would help me work on 'other types of projects'.

I used to hate him for this, while at the same time I really appreciated that he helped me get something I couldn't afford. With time, I learned to understand where he was coming from, and that accepting a gift from him didn't mean I was signing any hidden contract that forced me to follow his rules. At the same time, I had to learn to reject other offerings from him that I could do without, only to relieve the pressure of his secret expectations.

This logic also applies when we help someone, expecting they do what we think is best. Right now I think it's best to let people find their own way and limit ourselves to walking alongside them.

This is especially true when we haven't asked for what somebody gave us. And trust me, I don't think they do this maliciously; I even think we all do it to some degree. It's just an inherited, toxic way of relating to others. It might even be an attempt to help someone and indirectly impose our morality. Not everything is communicated through words.

For me, the goal is to remain as free as we can from other people's expectations and follow our own desires as much as we can. That said, we don't live in isolation, and we need other people from time to time; they'll need us too, and it's nice to lend a hand. It's just that it's better not to add debt we didn't consent to.

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  • FOX Gol Chocolate Sweets 16 Biscuits Cereal bars £11 bu
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    Where they picked dessert

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  • AIO friend using times we cook together as mini grocery hauls

    ok so this is my first time posting in a subreddit like this but i really need to know if what i'm feeling is reasonable or not. basically i (22f) have a friend who for the sake of this post we will call luna (22f). luna and i have been
    via theonlygoddess7
  • friends for nearly over a decade, but for a lot of it we lived in different places because i was an expat. well, starting last year we have begun living in the same city again and with that also comes us hanging out in person a lot
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  • more. luna really really likes cooking and she's actually quite good at it, so often. she will offer to cook for me. i need you to understand i never ask or demand she does and i am
    via theonlygoddess7
  • also quite a good cook so i would not mind also doing the cooking for us (which i have mentioned to her several times), but she insists and is very possessive over it and so it let her have her fun. every time she cooks i do the
    via theonlygoddess7
  • dishes, and there's usually quite a lot because she's a bit of a messy cook, but i don't particularly mind because it feels like we're splitting the work equally between us. now to the actual issue i
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  • wanna talk about, every time she does cook for us, she will buy the biggest bulk option of an ingredient available even if it is way over what we actually need for the food. some examples would be buying a 14 pack of sliced
    via theonlygoddess7
  • 49 DEN OR 11.29 $3.25 Cheers Chees
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    The women buying the groceries

    Representative only

  • cheese when we only need two, buying a big tub of yogurt when we only need 100g, buying bulk veggies when the recipe only asks for half of one etc (you get the gist). after she cooks, she will
    via theonlygoddess7
  • take all of the leftover groceries home with her, which isn't an issue as i tend to be very good at grocery shopping for myself in terms of all of my other meals and don't usually require anything extra. my issue is that she
    via theonlygoddess7
  • then proceeds to split every single item in half, regardless if for my portion she for example used 1 slice of cheese from the 14 bought. honestly, if we hung out rarely i don't think i would
    via theonlygoddess7
  • mind this much, but sometimes this happens multiple times a week, and by the end i basically end up covering a grocery trip i don't even get 90% of groceries from. i should mention my financial situation is just slightly
    via theonlygoddess7
  • better than hers, but not anything crazy, only about 200€ extra a month, so i can't really afford to basically cover her groceries as well as mine every month. however, i do feel like
    via theonlygoddess7
  • maybe i'm overreacting? she does cook so maybe she believes the extra groceries is repayment for that? however i do end up washing 3 to 4 times the dishes i would whenever she cooks so i thought that evened everything
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  • out. and tbh i would also much rather just cook for myself than cover extra grocery costs every month, but she really loves cooking for people and insists it's one of her love languages, so i also don't wanna just ruin her vibe
    via theonlygoddess7
  • and tell her i don't want her to cook for me anymore. she also does this to other people and idk what their opinion is cus i tend to avoid talking about people behind their back but she would probably tell me if
    via theonlygoddess7
  • any of them brought something like this up. since she pretty much tells me everything in her life. yeah idk i don't wanna seem ungrateful or like i wanna take advantage of her but on the months we
    via theonlygoddess7
  • hang out more i can literally see how i financially do worse in my grocery and food budget and again i'm not well off enough for it to not be an issue. to add to this, i don't even
    via theonlygoddess7
  • Balls Balls MINI MART
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    The woman only choosing what she wants to take home

    Image for illustrative purposes

  • know how i would bring it up if i did, as she tends to get very emotional and not react well at all to confrontation unless she is the one doing the confronting (and even then she gets really angry and mean). she doesn't
    via theonlygoddess7
  • take it constructively usually but rather as an attack on her as a person regardless of how i phrase it or what i do. anyway, is this worth even bringing up? would you do it if you were in my shoes or would you just absorb the extra
    via theonlygoddess7
  • cost? basically, am i overreacting feeling like this is unfair and wanting to bring it up? thanks.
    via theonlygoddess7
  • facinationstreet You are afraid of 'taking advantage' of her while she is sitting right there, day after day, taking advantage of you. She is counting on people being too afraid to confront her and gets away with hoarding groceries at half price.
    via facinationstreet
  • Top_Philosopher1809 Just when she is packing up the groceries at the end tell her you want to split it since you paid for half. Cook for her next time and use those ingredients. Either way you should be keeping half the groceries.
    via Top_Philosopher1809

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friendship relationship advice friends relationships entitled people karma entitled r-entitled toxic relationship relationship drama entitled people
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